It Was Normal, For Humans At Least
by Just Add Coffee
Summary: It took the new marine joining Lorne's team to ask the question everyone had been wondering since the Atlantis Expedition encountered the Wraith.


**Summary: **It took the new marine joining Lorne's team to ask the question everyone had been wondering since the Atlantis Expedition encountered the Wraith.

**Warnings: **Spoilers for Ark Of Truth, Season nine and ten of SG-1 if you haven't seen them, and some references to season two onwards for SGA.

**Acknowledgements: **Thanks to Glued To The Keyboard for the beta job about two weeks ago! I didn't upload it 'till now, but its here finally Lor :D

**Authors Note: **A little bit of humour, hopefully. Born from my extremely random mind while trying to fix the many plot holes in my first chapter fic. And from a terrible lack of sleep. Reviews, and constructive criticism are always welcome, whereas flames will be used to toast marshmallows!

**It was perfectly normal, for humans at least.**

Major Evan Lorne was the first through the 'gate, his team appearing through the event horizon seconds later.

It was the first mission they had been on in almost two weeks, and it was the first mission for their new team member, Lieutenant Olivia Martin.

Lieutenant Martin had arrived on the Daedalus only days before to replace Captain Reed who had requested transfer back to Stargate Command to spend time with his young family.

After missing the birth of his first child, Reed had decided that being a galaxy away from his newly born kid, and wife wasn't for him.

He had left for Earth two weeks before the Daedalus arrived with new personnel, and Colonel Sheppard had kept them on base until they team could have another military officer again.

Lorne and Lieutenant Marc Coughlin hadn't been happy with it, but the fact Dr David Parrish had trouble telling one end of a gun from another, they understood their commanding officer's reasons.

Lieutenant Martin looked around the planet, and crinkled her nose. "It looks the same as Earth, and the rest of the milky way."

"Planets that are habitable do tend to have most of the natural flora that Earth has-" Dr Parrish began, delighted to have an opportunity to explain the likeness between their home planet, and the one they were currently one.

Lieutenant Martin's eyes had already glazed over, and she turned to Major Lorne.

"So, sir. What we planning to do when we get to the village? 'Cause trading mission's are my strong point sir. I got my team ran out of six worlds back home."

Major smiled at the sad expression that fell across Dr Parrish's face as he was cut off by the new Lieutenant.

"Just don't scare the locals Lieutenant, and you'll do fine." He replied.

"Don't shoot 'em either." Lieutenant Coughlin added.

"That's sorta obvious Coughlin." Lieutenant Martin rolled her eyes. "What would I be shooting the natives for?"

Lieutenant Coughlin smirked. "You never know with you marines."

"I've no problem shooting you though flyboy."

Major Lorne turned and looked back at his team. "Shut it guys." He sighed. "No one's shooting no one, and we're going to finish this mission, and get back to Atlantis for the party later."

The Athosian's and the Atlantis Expedition were organising a bit of shin-dig to try raise morale on base. They had all lost heavily in the battles with the replicators, and the wraith, and even Elizabeth agreed throwing on the movies and music from Earth was a good idea.

Of course, Elizabeth was ignoring the fact those movies, and music had been smuggled over on the Daedalus after the Expedition had bribed the crew with some Athosian moonshine, and the Pegasus version of chocolate, both very good delicacies.

The moonshine had a fair kick to it though.. The hangovers were awful.

The team continued to the village, Reed and Martin continuing their friendly banter the whole way. The two had hit it off straight away, partly because she had kicked his ass with some crazy Jaffa moves Teal'c had taught her back on Earth.

Determined for it not to happen again, Marc had begged Olivia to help train him, and they had gotten to know each other rather well.

It took them ten minutes to reach the small village, and they were greeted by complete emptiness.

"Um. Sir?" Olivia said, kicking aside a burnt looking branch. "Unless these people are invisible, or they all decided to take a holiday at the same time, I think we got a problem."

"Very observation of you jarhead." Marc said sarcastically. "Wraith?"

Evan shrugged.

David piped up. "Don't wraith usually destroy villages when they cull them?"

"Dr Flowers here had a point sir." Marc nodded. "They usually want everyone to know they village was taken by them."

"Shows their power I guess." Olivia nodded. "The Ori used to do that. Set a prior plague on the people, and leave all the dead bodies there for everyone to see."

"That's sick." David shuddered.

"That's bad guys for ya." Olivia shrugged. "And you're the one who's faced off evil space vampires who suck the live out you with their _hands_!"

She held her palm out in front of her. "That's weird. Anyway, the Ori must seem like fluffy bunnies compared to these guys."

Evan raised an eyebrow. "I'm sure the crazy preaching bad guys would love to hear you call them 'fluffy bunnies'."

Olivia shrugged again. "They've seen the light as Colonel Mitchell out it. SG-1 paid 'em a home visit and sorted it all out."

"Well, we better head back to the 'gate." Evan said after they did a quick check of the village. "Nothin' here."

A-3 walked out of the village, and headed back to the stargate.

They were barely a minute out of the village when they heard sounds of running.

"Coughlin, take point, I'll take our six, go for the 'gate as fast as." Evan hissed, and they stepped into formation.

There wasn't another sound for another few minutes, until five pale skinned, long white haired, 'evil space vampires' burst from the trees.

"RUN!"

They ran for the stargate, firing at the approaching wraith.

They made it to the clearing, and David stumbled to the DHD, Marc covering him.

Olivia and Evan were going backwards as fast as they could, firing at the remaining three wraith.

They were gaining on them far too fast, and they all had the sadistically happy glint all wraith got in their eyes when they found people to feed on.

"PARRISH!" Evan yelled. "Get the damn 'gate open!"

"I- I am!" The botanist screamed back, his trembling fingers stabbing at the buttons on his GDO, punching in the IDC.

"Eh, sir?" Olivia said. "This is probably a very bad time to ask a question,"

"You think?"

"Yeah, but this had been in my head for.. Ages." Olivia said in a rush, as they continued to back to the 'gate.

"What?"

"Do wraith have showers?" She asked.

Evan looked at her. "Do wraith have showers?"

Olivia nodded. "Uh-huh. Do wraith have showers?"

Evan thought about it. He had wondered it himself, but all the times he'd been aboard a wraith hive ship, the idea of escape had been more important than finding wraith shower facilities.

"Stargate's open sir!" Marc yelled, shoving David through the event horizon.

"GO!" Evan ordered. "We're right behind you!"

Just before Evan and Olivia followed the rest of the team through to Atlantis, Olivia yelled at the final wraith before shooting him.

"Hey, dude? Do you shower?"

////

**FIN. **


End file.
